Deck the Table

Praise the daze of Armageddon,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Prance around with crazed abandon,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Toss a Techie on the pyre,
Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
Merry as we stoke the fire,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Honored guests we now are toasting,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Smell Enforcer tidbits roasting,
Fa la la la la, la la la Mmm.
Growing tender by the hour,
Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
Soon the feast to be devoured,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Raise a crock of bathtub whiskey,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
All the tribe is feeling frisky,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Join us now in our grand carol,
Fa la la, la la la, la la la.
Else you'll kiss our shotgun barrel,
Fa la la la la, la la la BOOM.

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through credit bend
Not a creature was stirring, not even a horse;
The doors were nailed shut, traps set in the chimney with care,
In hopes that captain pouches would steer clear of there;
The travelers were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of contract killings danced in their heads;
And mamma in her football helmet; and I in my top hat,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The radioactive contamination on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight two headed deer,
With a little old driver, so evil and deranged,
I knew in a moment it must be he-who-shall-not-be-named!
More rapid than a eagle his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
"Now, Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! on Cupid! on, Donder and Blitzen!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of doom captain pouches too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each mutated hoof.
As I drew my sword, and was turning around,
Down the chimney the captain came with a bound.
He was dressed in the skins of roos, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with gunpowder and soot;
A bundle of explosives he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
His eyes—how they twinkled with hateful intent; his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, he had been at the sherry!
His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as bloody as the snow;
The pin of a grenade he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook, when he cackled like a bowlful of rotten jelly.
He was chubby and plump, and known to hate elves,
And I messed myself when I saw him, in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had something to dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings with explosives; then turned with a jerk,
And giving me the finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard him exclaim, and press the detonator ere he drove out of sight,
“Deadly Christmas to all, and to all a deadly-night.”